| Subject: |
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Cutting |
| Name: |
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E |
| Date Posted: |
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May 21, 08 - 1:28 PM |
| Email: |
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e.jcole@yahoo.com |
| Message: |
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Ive begun cutting myself as a means to feeling present in my own body. I have dealt with this depersonalization for about 4 years now and I am currently 23. I remember the first day that I felt it enter my body. I was 19, holding three jobs, in a rough relationship and going to school. I hadnt done to many drugs before, but I had done extacy a couple times and later began doing it more to escape myself - or maybe its the opposite of that, to be within myself. I am numb and it affects my relationships, both romantic and otherwise. I have no conception of time anymore, I miss appointments and forget to go to classes. I miss homework and in conversations I cannot concentrate on what people are saying. I feel like I have cottonballs behind my eyes, but rubbing them just makes things worse. I take Lexapro for depression and anxiety. I have seen counselors and Dr.'s that either dont take me seriously at what I am saying or dont care to really try to understand just how **** serious this is. I want my life back. I want to experience the wind blowing throught the trees, I want to remember what it feels like to laugh genuinly, I cant recall how it feels to have a sense of self, grounded in reality - in a place and time. I function alright to other people, but my personality has become subdued and I have become even more depressed. I hide my feelings, and my cuts. I will keep on cutting, and if I dont find some sort of relief by the time I finish writting my book, I have decided to end the hell. What to do? Where to go? I'm feeling hopeless and the results of this disasociation just perpetuate the depression. |
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