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Hello Everyone on the Forum
This is the first time I am writing on this forum; in fact the first time I have ever mentioned these experiences openly. It is good to find a place where this can be discussed.
I want to mention my experience since it relates somehow to depersonalization disorder. But I really do not know what has happened.
I have neither brothers nor sisters nor have I seen my father in my life. My mother has never been physically well, nor was she in a good condition to look after me. I must have moved home 7/8 times by the age of 15. I had never had a conversation with my mother, nor did she take any particular interest in me. My extended family was quite small and I had little contact with them. I can only remember my mother kissing me once in my entire life. She was living on welfare benefits.
I saw the above situation and wanted to change it. And the only way I saw was through education.
I had desire, motivation, self-belief (no one around me was educated), dedication, hope and a belief in a better future. I worked hard at school with no help from anyone else (hell, we did not even have any books in the house) and achieved excellent grades, including a number of A grades. The road was open.
I have never done drugs, alcohol nor do I smoke.
It was here where the problems started. Believe this or not, when I went to college I did not know what neither degree nor what university was. All I knew was knowledge. I decided to study the sciences at advanced level but quickly realized I was not learning anything, just repeating words. The other pupils felt the same.
I was waiting for the bus to college when all of a sudden everything began to feel unreal. This felling lasted for only a few seconds but it was the first time this happened.
As I realized I was not learning anything, I began to think that one day I will come to ‘true’ knowledge. I began to feel unreal, as if I am going to the motions. Any emotions/qualities I had before (ambition, being the main one affected) was gone. Gone was the idea of going forward (if I had it in the first place, since I did not know what forward was (university, degree, etc)).
I still had motivation, self belief, dedication but I was not applying it to the right channel. I began to read extensively about the world and did discover what I was looking for.
Most of my friends did not do well in school (our school was in a deprived area and the pass rate was only 15%), so no one I knew was going to university.
I must add, I did not go to university and this was because of the above.
The above is NOT a complete account of my experiences. I do have difficulty trying to put them into written form. Can someone please explain what happened? How is it possible for someone self-motivated etc. not to understand going to university etc whilst having achieved excellent grades. How can they lose ambition?
Any feedback will be heartily appreciated and I will reply and relate further experiences.