Depersonalization Forum

Please use this forum to discuss information directly related to Depersonalization Disorder. We welcome you to share your own personal experiences with others as well as any treatment or study programs you may know about. We have been forced to restructure the Forum so we could have editing access as needed and be able to Archive older comments once they disappear.  Sorry for the temporary inconvenience, but now we will able to post older material for reference.

Depersonalization Forum
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What Is This(depersonalization disorder?)Help

Hello Everyone on the Forum
This is the first time I am writing on this forum; in fact the first time I have ever mentioned these experiences openly. It is good to find a place where this can be discussed.

I want to mention my experience since it relates somehow to depersonalization disorder. But I really do not know what has happened.

I have neither brothers nor sisters nor have I seen my father in my life. My mother has never been physically well, nor was she in a good condition to look after me. I must have moved home 7/8 times by the age of 15. I had never had a conversation with my mother, nor did she take any particular interest in me. My extended family was quite small and I had little contact with them. I can only remember my mother kissing me once in my entire life. She was living on welfare benefits.

I saw the above situation and wanted to change it. And the only way I saw was through education.
I had desire, motivation, self-belief (no one around me was educated), dedication, hope and a belief in a better future. I worked hard at school with no help from anyone else (hell, we did not even have any books in the house) and achieved excellent grades, including a number of A grades. The road was open.

I have never done drugs, alcohol nor do I smoke.

It was here where the problems started. Believe this or not, when I went to college I did not know what neither degree nor what university was. All I knew was knowledge. I decided to study the sciences at advanced level but quickly realized I was not learning anything, just repeating words. The other pupils felt the same.

I was waiting for the bus to college when all of a sudden everything began to feel unreal. This felling lasted for only a few seconds but it was the first time this happened.

As I realized I was not learning anything, I began to think that one day I will come to ‘true’ knowledge. I began to feel unreal, as if I am going to the motions. Any emotions/qualities I had before (ambition, being the main one affected) was gone. Gone was the idea of going forward (if I had it in the first place, since I did not know what forward was (university, degree, etc)).

I still had motivation, self belief, dedication but I was not applying it to the right channel. I began to read extensively about the world and did discover what I was looking for.

Most of my friends did not do well in school (our school was in a deprived area and the pass rate was only 15%), so no one I knew was going to university.

I must add, I did not go to university and this was because of the above.

The above is NOT a complete account of my experiences. I do have difficulty trying to put them into written form. Can someone please explain what happened? How is it possible for someone self-motivated etc. not to understand going to university etc whilst having achieved excellent grades. How can they lose ambition?

Any feedback will be heartily appreciated and I will reply and relate further experiences.

Thank you for reading the above.