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I wrote this piece when I left my therapist. It kind of served as an autobiographical re-write. I have just today learnt of DPD and find it resonates. I wonder if anyone can advise me whether this peice of writing is illustrative of the disorder?
Being invisible feels like people, society, the world, just pass right through you like a ghost. It has the appearance of being absent of soul, a place where the spirit lies almost dormant. Contact with other people becomes an intensely sensational experience because of the need to feel physically real, organic. Where that does not occur, there is left a sensation of emptiness, of existing without being.
This is the birthplace of aloneness, where we feel alone in a crowd or with loved ones. The hustle and bustle continues all around you as you tick-tock the time away performing necessary tasks; all within an atmosphere of alone/empty/worthless.
I found a ladder to climb out of that pit and it came in the form of the `observing self'. I cannot say that I feel whole but no longer do I persistently feel like I'm invisible, a ghost, a shadow or to be without any substance, soul.
I learnt about more functional ways of receiving messages from others and more workable ways of responding. The world/society began to respond differently to me. I launched into a process of engagement with observing non-judgementally and as I stood looking again and again, I began to see myself. Initially it was like an image in a mirror, seeming real but feeling disjointed and abstract, still an illusion (be it having the appearance of looking real). I continued observing and noticed that I was still the same me regardless of the response of others. I began to feel a fullness, kind of and ability to breathe despite the weight on my chest.
There were numerous exercises that I engaged with many times. More recently I have been thinking about a new one where I imagine my physical outline on a white board and it has my name written in it. I move back from the board and mindfully observe the substance less form. I feel myself sitting there physically, organic and full of sensation. I begin to see the difference between the observer and what is being seen/experienced.