Depersonalization Forum

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Depersonalization Forum
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Depersonalization: The lie I tell everyday

I wake up in the morning and I thank god that I have the gift of another day.

Life as I know it: my kids, my sisters, my mom, my students, my clients,

the things that makes me laugh, the things that makes me cry.

Life as I know it- is a series of events that I am accustom to,

I respond to, I partake in

and fulfill the expectations of.

Life is a series of responses that I give.

I smile, I laugh I respond to things that I am suppose to respond to;

if I don’t people may thing I’m crazy.

Maybe I am crazy;

crazy to believe that I can keep lying to myself and everyone around me.

Crazy to believe that no one will ever know the truth, no one but me.

I have depersonalization.

According to the encyclopedia of the this century Wikipedia " depersonalization “is an anomaly of self-awareness. It consists of a feeling of watching oneself act, while having no control over a situation; Subjects feel they have changed, and the world has become vague, dreamlike, less real, or lacking in significance; It can be a disturbing experience, since many feel that, indeed, they are living in a “dream” ( WIKIPEDIA, 2012).

This is my life on a day to day basis; a vicious cycle of pretense

pretense of presence

of which no one knows the difference.

I suppose I should be grateful now that I have something to call myself besides crazy;

after all trying to explain that your entire existence feels like a permanent state of non existence

is not something you say when you have two masters degrees

and is considered to be very intelligent, insightful and profound

by colleagues and friends.

There simply is not enough room for truth,

so I continue to live the lie.

I exist

but I don’t,

I am-

but I’m not,

I am the truth

but I am also a lie

now whatever you think you now about me,

let me assure you it cant be true

I still am trying to put the pieces together

to know me.

I am a robot existing in a state of autonomy

with dejavu


lucid dreams

and sometimes even premonitions

but so what?

I am simply random.

Am I the only one?

is this a case of the emperor’s new clothes

except I am the only one who realizes that I am naked?

I lie to myself,

I lie to my children, I Iie to those who think they know me

and those who think I know me.

If I could tell my truth

it would be:

I am merely a reflection of who you want me to be,

a reflection of who you see or assume that I am

because the real me is outside this body.

The real me is looking at what you see

wishing that I could see a true reflection.

Instead I am still left to wonder

who is that looking back at me in the mirror?

We share a body but not a space.

I don’t identify with what looks back at me,

I don’t feel her skin as my skin

or her eyes as my eyes

I see someone that looks at me

wondering who I am

when I search for my reflection.