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hello, i'm not sure, but i think i have depersonalization disorder. i just feel so very unreal!!! i don't know, i mean i just realized a couple days ago that i'm not all too aware of my own actions - i'm on autopilot or something and I don't know how to get back in the cockpit! like i could say something and i didn't consciously feel as though i decided to say that. i think ive read too much buddhism; the loss of ego, etc. and it made me feel as though i am really no one and there has never been an I. well, then how can i be conscious of myself? and since i am conscious of myself, how is it that i am not in control of myself? my actions just spring up out of nowhere, without any conscious though! in zen, that's the idea, but i feel as though that's not how i want to live. there was a time, when i was younger, that i was able to enjoy time with my friends and talk and not really care about what was going on and, most importantly, i was in control of myself. now i don't know what's going on. is this depersonalization disorder? i ask myself too many questions! and if it is, can someone tell me how to get rid of it? without the use of medication?
I know what you're talking about; I've heard people say that possibly, DP is close to enlightenment. I don't think that is true. I imagine being "enlightened" would feel nice; DP does not feel nice in any way. DP is hellish and scary, because we ARE in reality, but don't feel like we are. It's like being stuck in a dream. So forget that zen stuff. There is a "you"; you are you. Your thoughts and actions don't "spring out of nowhere", it just feels that way. Your thoughts and actions come from the part of your brain that still works correctly. That's why people with DP can usually still work, carry on, etc. DP takes away the part of you that feels and recognizes itself. You can get it back. It takes time, and the first step is to stop reading stuff that scares or creeps you out. Anxiety perpetuates DP. Stop reading the Buddhism stuff for now. I've found with myself that those kinds of ideas do not bode well with DP. Try to remember the way you used to think and feel. If you dwell on the DP you will feed into it. Try exercising a lot and eating better; those things always help. These things have worked well for me, especially the lessening of anxiety and obsessing:)