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Ive begun cutting myself as a means to feeling present in my own body. I have dealt with this depersonalization for about 4 years now and I am currently 23. I remember the first day that I felt it enter my body. I was 19, holding three jobs, in a rough relationship and going to school. I hadnt done to many drugs before, but I had done extacy a couple times and later began doing it more to escape myself - or maybe its the opposite of that, to be within myself. I am numb and it affects my relationships, both romantic and otherwise. I have no conception of time anymore, I miss appointments and forget to go to classes. I miss homework and in conversations I cannot concentrate on what people are saying. I feel like I have cottonballs behind my eyes, but rubbing them just makes things worse. I take Lexapro for depression and anxiety. I have seen counselors and Dr.'s that either dont take me seriously at what I am saying or dont care to really try to understand just how **** serious this is. I want my life back. I want to experience the wind blowing throught the trees, I want to remember what it feels like to laugh genuinly, I cant recall how it feels to have a sense of self, grounded in reality - in a place and time. I function alright to other people, but my personality has become subdued and I have become even more depressed. I hide my feelings, and my cuts. I will keep on cutting, and if I dont find some sort of relief by the time I finish writting my book, I have decided to end the hell. What to do? Where to go? I'm feeling hopeless and the results of this disasociation just perpetuate the depression.
Amazingly, cutting is probably more familiar to shrinks than DPD. And they are both serious issues. Dr. Simeon at Mount Sinai in NY wrote a book on the subject of cutting, as well as the one with me, Feeling Unreal. You might check them both out, particularly the cutting book, and present them to an experienced, qualified psychiatrist. You are young and can get beyond this terrible period, even though that may be hard to believe right now. Hang in there, seek help, seek support, and make the conscious choice to avoid cutting, and to improve. No matter how DPD or other mental issues are, if you are sane enough to know there is a problem with what you are doing or thinking, you are sane enough to make choices, however difficult. Choose not to harm yourself. Choose to hope. Choose to realize that you are not alone and that others do want to help you.