Depersonalization Forum

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Re: Yet another newbie - longish story, think I might be "escaping"?

Continued...


For example, a month or so ago, I was taking a walk, and ruminating on all this, on this idea of "resonance" that she provokes. I then had a moment where it felt like my inner self, which was waltzing around outside my head - all of a sudden came inside, and connected with the *now*. It was incredible, the flowers, the water, the sounds - it was like a filter was removed, and it was just *me* there, looking at everything. Before, it was like my mind was down a hallway, and all my senses had to shout through this passageway to let me know what the world was like. And I didn't realize that this wasn't normal until... on that walk, suddenly I got up, walked down the hallway, and was just *PRESENT*, in the moment. I could feel what I was looking at, and looking around became pleasurable, like a child. It's like my emotions were saggy before, and now they became taught, like a violin's strings - and I could pluck them by just looking at things, turning mere objects before into *music inside*.

So now, I think what was happening with this friend, is that somehow she was resonating with this part deep inside of me that was trapped behind the "veil" that the authors talk about. And somehow, by stimulating it long enough, I've managed to "let it out" somehow. Now, so far I've "come alive" for a few days at a time, and then retreated back into a fog. And today, it's coming in and out throughout the day. The sense is definitely like waking up from a dream, the sense that all of my brain is directly connected and accessible. My theory is that I'm learning how to connect everything, and this "ability" takes practice - like learning to ride a bike.

Phew, anyway, not sure if this is DP or whatever - but I had to post just to see if anything I said "resonates". For what it's worth, my suspicion is that my "friend" has some version of DP, perhaps a low-grade one, but has seemed to figure out a way to live harmoniously within it. I think there is some deep resonance that she provoked, some similarity in experiencing the world, that shone a light on this silent struggle. And the interesting thing, is that once I've realized all this, her effect on me has diminished - I'm free, in a sense, because she's not the only thing that brings me alive. So the reason this was so mysterious, is that it was never really about her at all, just like it was never about a tree, or an invisible elf, it was about realizing that I've been trapped behind a veil for... years? The elf was really a part of myself that was desperate to get out, to expose the veil, and now, maybe, there's finally hope for recovery?

Semi-ontopic, I've been reading a lot of David Foster Wallace lately - his stuff has also resonated deeply with his hyper self-awareness, struggle with depression, meaning, etc. Has anybody else with DP read him, and noticed similar parallels? I hear talk about how his art is so brilliant... but I think he was less about *creating* something, than simply bearing testament to his tortured way of experiencing the world - always removed, always tormented in teh same way Amiel was:

"Amiel is virtually incapable of the self-deceptions that "normal" people utilize for survival or in striving toward worldly goals set by their individual egos. It has been impossible for him to play act in a day-to-day world that seems pointless and unreal." (p. 132, Feeling Unreal)

I'm very conscious of all the self-deceptions that people use all around me, of religious and political and social matters - but while I see many of them as charades, I'm generally more *envious* that people can believe them. I have more atheistic leanings, but I look at religion with a fondness, and almost an affection that I wish I could engender. I've always been amazed at the ability of human beings to deceive themselves in fantastical ways. Some people despise these lies, I see them as impressive and almost admirable.