>These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts,
>and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down
>and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying
>calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
>
>ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
>WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
>________________________________
>
>ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
>WITNESS: July 18th.
>ATTORNEY: What year?
>WITNESS: Every year.
>_____________________________________
>
>ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
>WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
>______________________________________
>
>ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
>WITNESS: Yes.
>ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
>WITNESS: I forget.
>ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something
>you forgot?
>
>____________________________________________________
>
>ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
>WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
>ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
>WITNESS: Forty-five years.
>_____________________________________
>
>ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
>WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
>ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
>WITNESS: My name is Susan.
> ______________________________________
>
>ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
>WITNESS: We both do.
>ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
>WITNESS: We do.
>ATTORNEY: You do?
>WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
>______________________________________
>
>ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in
>his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
>WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
> ___________________________________
>
>ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
>WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
> ________________________________________
>
>ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
>WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
>______________________________________
>
>ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
>WITNESS: Yes.
>ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
>WITNESS: Uh....
>______________________________________
>ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
>WITNESS: Yes.
>ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
>WITNESS: None.
>ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
> ______________________________________
>
>ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
>WITNESS: By death.
>ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
>______________________________________
>
>ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
>WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
>ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
>______________________________________
>
>ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
>deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
>WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
>______________________________________
>
>ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed
>on dead people?
>WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
>______________________________________
>
>ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did
>you go to?
>WITNESS: Oral.
>______________________________________
>
>ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
>WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
>ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
>WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was
>doing an autopsy on him!
>______________________________________
>
>ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
>WITNESS: Huh?
>______________________________________
>
>ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you
>check for a pulse?
>WITNESS: No.
>ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
>WITNESS: No.
>ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
>WITNESS: No.
>ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive
>when you began the autopsy?
>WITNESS: No.
>ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
>WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
>ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
>WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

A young lawyer, just out of Law School, was pleading his first case in South Carolina.

A train had killed twenty-four pigs, and the young attorney was trying to impress the jury with the magnitude of the injury.

"Yes, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, twenty-four pigs. Imagine, twenty-four pigs. Twice the number there are in the jury box."

Hope you enjoyed these.

Need I say more? I love each and every one of these. Took me 10 minutes to read them with all the laughing.