"THE ABILITY TO MAKE AND UNDERSTAND PUNS IS THE HIGHEST LEVEL OF LANGUAGE DEVELOPMENT"



Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest:



1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The flight attendant looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion
allowed per passenger."



2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!



3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it immediately sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.



4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."



5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.



6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said," I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."



7. A woman has identical twins and is forced to give them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're identical twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."



8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most Vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent Florist friars.



9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he Suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh man -- this is so bad, it's good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.



And finally . . . .

10. There was the person who sent ten different puns to friends with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did

Hey T Sue, Loved them all!!

Melissa, I especially liked the Mahatma Ghandi one and it reminded me of this:

I luv puns...The worse the better....

Did you hear about the piece of string that went into a soda shop and ordered a rootbeer float. The counter guy told him to get out because he doesn't serve string.

So he left. Upset, he said to himself, maybe it's what I ordered, maybe they didn't have it. So, he went back in.

He walked up to the stool and ordered a Coke. The attendent threw him out again.

Dejected and almost crying, the piece of string walked back and forth in front of the soda shop when his friend walked up. He told his friend the story and his friend had an idea. He took out his comb and teased the top of the string and then tied him in a circle and whispered in his ear.

Resolute, the string walked into the soda shop, walked up to the stool and ordered a Ginger Ale. The soda guy looked at him and said with an angry face... "Aren't you that piece of string I threw out before". The string looked up, smiled and said "No, I'm a frayed knot".

ok . . . standing in line as part of this pecking order, hmmmm, I feel like a chicken crossing the road in poultry motion,
and then taking a boiled egg in the morning that's hard to beat.

. . out of the blue, I am remembering when I first saw a strand grey hair, I thought I'd dye, and when I saw the color I thought, naw, it's just a pigment of my imagination!!

Email: randyjan@windstream.net

You guys are funny!! Sue I am just ready to do that Mary Poppins thing with the umbrella and go up, up and away!!!

I know, it's a groaner, but it's a corgi!!!!

~P

Email: cidp@aol.com

When the driver of a huge trailer lost control of his rig, he plowed into an empty toll booth and smashed it to bits. Unhurt, he climbed down from the cab and looked around. In minutes, a repair truck pulled up and discharged a crew of workers. The men from the crew each picked up a broken piece of the former tollbooth and spread some kind of creamy white substance on it. Then they began fitting the pieces together. In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and looking good as new.

"Amazing!" the truck driver said to the crew chief. "What was the white stuff you used to get all the pieces together?"

The crew chief said, "Oh, that was tollgate booth paste."

Well, I just got this in my email box today, so figured I'd better share it.

Benny and the Genie

Benny worked at the Metropolitan Museum of Art. His primary
job was to keep the exhibits clean and polished. One day he
happened to be dusting around the Arabian exhibit, and he
noticed an ancient urn that needed some cleaning. He got out
his dust rag and began polishing. Lo and behold, an enormous
genie appeared before him.

"Master," the genie began, "I am the genie of the urn. I can
grant you three wishes, but there is one condition I will
put on you: You must never shave or cut your beard for the
rest of your life, or you will be forced to take my place
inside the urn forever."

Benny thought about it for a bit, and decided it was a fair
condition for three wishes. His wishes were granted, and he
went happily about his new life.

Over the years, Benny's beard became longer and longer until
it almost reached the floor. As it grew longer, it began to
itch. He tried to ignore it, but the itch became more and
more irritating, while the memory of the genie's warning faded.

Finally he decided he had to get rid of the beard, and he
shaved it off. Instantly he was trapped in the urn, to stay there
forever.

The moral of the story: A Benny shaved is a Benny urned.

You guys!!! You are all toooooooooooo punnnnnnnyyyyyyy

OOOOOOHHHHHH, Texas Sue, you just made Scott's day!! But watch out, he's going to try to OUTPUN you until your eyes are crossed!!

I'm not a punny person, but these are actually punny....whoops...funny

Loved them all guys..

The Frayed Knot and That one Tollgate Booth Paste, were good ones..


I'll have to copy and save these..


Joseph

Tank U fur dah laugh.

Oh these were hilarious you guys - I'm sending them on!

Oh, there you are!!! I caught ya!! How did your finals go???

P.S. Cute one about the horse!!

They went well Lisa...thank you for asking :)....it was so much work though...I put off an assignment that we had several weeks to complete until just hours before it was due..so I was up all night doing it.... and that drained me....and i had a hard time studying for my finals.... my grades did drop from a's to B's but I am happy with that.....which is a miacle for me....I like making A's...

I like making A's too...but, hey, B's are very good! You should be proud of yourself! Working and going to school is very hard. I know cause I've done it myself.

What did you get in ALEGEBRA?? That was the tough one.

Not a pun, but these reminded me of the time Rene Descartes was sitting at the bar and the bartender asked him if he wanted a beer. He replied "I think not" and instantly disappeared.

The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

She used to have a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but she broke it off.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

Seven days without a pun makes one weak.

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

A scientist doing a large experiment with liquid chemicals was trying to solve a problem when he fell in and became part of the solution.

If you leave alphabet soup on the stove and go out, it could spell disaster.

After they bought a water bed, the couple started to drift apart.

A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing – but it did let out a little whine.

A criminal’s best asset is his lie ability.

Be true to your teeth, or they will be false to you.

She was only a whisky maker but he loved her still.

The optician fell into the lens shaping machine and made a spectacle of himself.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Gravity is studied a lot because it’s a very attractive field.

Old lawyers never die they just lose their appeal.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When women enter middle age, it gives men a pause.

Prison walls are never built to scale.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

There was a guy who was fired from the orange juice factory for lack of concentration.

We were so poor when I was growing up we couldn’t even afford to pay attention.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

There was a ghost at the hotel, so they called for an inn spectre.

Ancient orators tended to Babylon.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

You didn’t hear about the three big holes in the ground? Well, well, well.

It was raining cats and dogs. There were poodles all over the road.

When chemists die, we barium.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

Email: randyjan@windstream.net

Randy, I love you too. I'm glad those puns made you smile. They made me smile and even LOL, which is pretty incredible since my heart is breaking again today. Soooo lovesick for Jesus; at times I feel like can hardly breathe for the ache inside.

You're not alone, Char. Like you, I'm joking around, but my heart is breaking to be with Jesus, too.