I am hoping what I share will help Charity and others to understand why some might react the way they do….. when I said it comes across as holier than thou, I was not saying that is your heart Charity..I was saying that is how it comes across to me and I think to some others. I also would love to be able to speak what I feel is going on without fearing that its going to cause a scene….. I think lots of people remain silent out of fear…

I have had more than my share of fear and trembling…. When I have had fists raised in my face I had fear and trembled….when I have been shouted at and told I was worthless, no good and to go to hell..I had fear and trembling….. when I have been drug all over the house and thrown about…. There was fear and trembling….. the thing that produced the most fear and trembling that I can remember was having a childs rocking chair held up over my body and thinking when it comes down it is going to kill me…. I shook with fear and trembling and cried… I was not hit with it though..thank you Jesus……I could never proceed with my life because I was always crying, wanting to die, and working to pick myself up and heal ..and as soon as I would get to the point it would happen all over again.

All this caused me to think I had to be perfect…… so I tried so hard to be perfect…. My hair was perfect … my clothes and the way I dress was perfect….. my make up…my jewelry…. I developed an eating disorder…. But I did not really think it was a disorder….because I would eat some and I did not make myself throw up…but what I did do was when I ate…I took 2 hours to work out..so I was contantly working out and I ate very little…..or I was running 5 miles a day……and I looked great!!! I got complements all the time and other women wanted me to help them to get in the same shape I was in…people always asked me if I were a model………on the outside I was perfect and I did it so no one would know how filthy and disgusting I really was……men were always asking me to marry them…I would get flowers…money …jewelry…poems letters…..gifts….. but I could never open up to them…I was so afraid that if I did then they would find out that I was worthless and then do things like raise their fists or hold pointed rocking chairs up to me…..reject me and leave…

But then my relationship with Jesus became deeper…and He started showing me who I was in Him…. He would hold me while I cried and I would cast it all to Him… He would tell me the most intimate and incredible things…..tell me I was His child and He would never leave me or forsake me…..and tell me how much it hurt Him when the things that happened to me happen (has been pretty much all my life…as a little girl I had to sleep with my head under the covers because of fear and trembling) Through my relationship with Jesus He has set me free from that bondage…… although I still struggle with having a relationship with man..and it is easier for me just to be a lone than to even try at this point…which my friends who know me tell me how sad it makes them and that I have always deserved someone special in my life……

I am sharing this not to make anyone feel sorry for me ..please do not do that…I do not like attention draw to myself…and I still struggle with not being good enough… this has been part of the cross I have had to bear..and I am ok with it…. It has made me who I am today and I am thankful to Jesus for that and he gets all the glory…..I am hoping this will help Charity and others to have an understanding of some peoples reaction…. I am just one who will say something because I do not want to go back to that bondage of having to be perfect……and Jesus has never told me I had to be and I am free from that bondage…
I totally get that yall are saying this from your heart….but I think that there needs to be an understanding of why you have some who get fearful….and if you will open your eyes you will see that people are expressing it….. maybe the ones that are expressing it needs to be reassured…..I think that is where sue comes in…..she understands………and she has compassion for this type of fear and trembling….and last night we were on here having fun laughing playing and then Wham!!! We were the only ones on the board so how can we not think it was not directed at us……..I think Sue just got a little tired of being told that she needed to pray to be worthy….. and well she reacted and also her mother instinct rose up to protect all of us who have been abused in this way and she was looking out for us…thank you sue..I understand.

God does not deal with us all the same….. I know He is not going to deal harshly with me because I have had harshness all my life….. I was a little girl who thought she was hated by everyone….. who knew pain more than the warmth of a hug……(not always though I know there were those that did love me now I do anyway) I was dirty… unworthy …. And a castaway……so I hope that you can see that when you start saying you have to be worthy how it can make some feel defensive…… I understand how some people have a heart for someone who is on the fence…but please have compassion for the ones who have had a rough life…….Empathy is a good thing…ask yourself why are they reacting this way…..some of the feedback I have received has made me think yall are thinking that I am not perfect enough……and I have felt judged..weather yall are doing that or not that is how I have felt and I am not afraid to tell you either…and I would appreciate it if you would have some understanding of this……and that is how it comes across to me..again weather it is implied or not...

I responded to one of carlees posts and told her I received it and her response to me was ..God works in mysterious ways…all I could think of was what does she mean by that……is it so surprising that I could receive from God?

I guess I am glad that God has dealt with me in a gentle manner….. that is what I need and believe me it was all it took for me…. I needed love and He gave it to me…I needed acceptance and He accepted me…. I needed to feel clean and He cleaned me and gave me a new life…..and became my best friend.
Anyway..I guess this is all..and I really hope Charity reads this……

God bless everyone…and that is always from my heart when I say that….

i love you, joyful susan.

Dear Joyful,

You are just loved to pieces by me and all of the others here at rita, how brave of you to share so honestly your testimony. I am so grateful to Our Loving Lord for tenderly loving you back to wholeness.

Praise His Name forever and ever and ever~
Melanie

oh I left out this and it is soo important....

I want to aplogise to anyone that I may have caused any hurt to...if i did..... I never want to hurt anyones feelings..that is not my personality...I would rather go through the hurt and the pain myself.....I know pain very well and hurt and I can not stand to think of anyone going through that ever....

thank you Melanie this mean sooo sooo much to me coming from you....

and thank you for the warm hug barb :)

I hope Charity gets some understanding from this ......

WOW, JOYFUL SUSAN!! I wish I could just give you a big hug right now, sis! You've been through sooooo much in your life. So have I, so that's how I can relate. I so admire your courage opening your heart up this way.

I can also relate to what you're saying about those posts where a person feels as if we have to "tow the line" in order to be worthy. This fear of not being worthy has hindered my Christian walk and even accepting God's love. I have always been overlooked and underestimated, so I figure that if God's people do that to me, maybe I don't have God's favor upon me either and that's how He feels, too. It's a terrible bondage to those who suffer with unworthiness.

I agree that we should repent of all known sin and live right for the Lord. But we can only do that by abiding in Christ, and submitting our lives to Him in obedience. It is the Holy Spirit that gives us the desire and ability to repent. But it is about His righteousness and not ours. Our righteousness is of filthy rags without His blood cleansing us from our sins. He alone is worthy.

Let's just love each other, okay? No more strife. Life is too short. And our time here is short, also. Why not just lift each other up until we go home???

I just love you, Susan. I can't wait to see you. I pray this post reaches the heart of everyone who reads it like it did mine.

I agree Lisa :)...Thats why you are my friend....Because God has set me free He brings others for me to love....and be friends with....

Joyful Susan, My heart aches for that little girl you described. Your fear is clear and still not healed my dear one! These messages to humble yourself are not for you dear child. Only for those with a proud heart.

God does not want you to cower before Him so that He can take advantage of you, NO NO NO! That is not the message of humbleness. Humbleness only means to get rid of a proud heart. Maybe someday you will be able to tell the difference, but until then, just rest in His loving arms and He will guide you into all truth and protect you with His fierce Fatherly love so that you don't have to hurt anymore!

Love in our Father (who was and is my only Father too), Carlee

I never cower before Jesus....You missed why I said that...I do know how to be humble and i know the difference..i guess you can not understand because you did not go through something like this.....

I am not an immature christian..... I am not a baby.... I know My God..... and He knows me.....and I am free.....and thankful....You can not take one thing someone posts on a message board and think you have them all figured out.....

Joyful, why do you take offense? You are misunderstanding my heart.

I most certainly did not say you cower before Jesus!!!!! And I very clearly understand that you know how to be humble! I was saying what you already know: that God would never ask us to cower.

But I was trying to say that His message of humblness is for those who have a proud heart (which you don't have) and perhaps someday you can understand that without feeling fear. Amen, you are free! And I don't know you or judge you, Amen! We all have had our crosses to bear.

I am not offended....what makes you think this? You ae reading me wrong.....

Oh maybre i read that wrong? and i need to reread it...sorry about that just a misunderstanding.....

Carlee..LOL..for the first time I have actually read you with a gentleness!!! I am so sorry I have not seen that before..thank you......darn message boards ....skew the emotions of everyone....

I suddenly got this mental picture of us posters
burning up the board with different chat's and posting
pros and con's of different topics....and
suddenly ...it's ALL OVER WITH and we are standing
with our roses trying to quickly remember what we
posted last and what did it sound or read like.

And was the discussion thread worth it?

Joyful Susan, how my heart aches to read that my posts have somehow brought back painful memories of fear to your soul. Our God is not waiting for us to make mistakes so He can beat us over the head. NO! He desires to guide us into all Truth, which gives true freedom! Freedom from the bondage of sin; freedom from fear!

God gives grace to the humble. He invites each one of us to climb up into His loving and compassionate arms like a little child, that He may soothe all the ache away. Oh how grateful I am that we belong to a GOOD Father. I've been crying on His lap since last night.

To become like a child requires giving up pride. I have asked God over and over to keep me humble, and praise the Lord He is doing His part. I pray that He will help me do my part to become more and more like His Son.

J.Susan, never have I thought badly about you--not once. I ask your forgiveness for causing you to feel judged by me. Only God can judge the heart!!! The messages God has given me...well, I never had a clue who needed to hear them, but I trusted that God knew what He was doing. And He assured me that there were, indeed, people out there who needed to hear them. It's not fun to post those kinds of things, believe me. But far be it from me to disobey the Spirit of my Lord.

The only conclusion I can draw is that time is so short, He wants to get the message out loud and clear: Sanctify yourselves! Wash your robes through repentance, for I AM COMING!

I have taken this message to heart and have been asking Him to wash me clean every day, that I might be a prepared and pleasing bride for His Son. Of course I am FAR FROM PERFECT, but He's not looking at how much we sin; He's looking at the condition of our hearts. Basically, are they soft, or hard?

I believe your heart is very tender toward His Spirit, sister. Once again, I'm sorry I have caused you pain.

Love always,
Char

Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me and know my anxious thoughts;
And see if there be any hurtful way in me,
And lead me in the everlasting way. (Ps. 139)

Amen Joyful Susan!!!! You have clearly recognized my heart! I am blessed today!

I can go now. Love to you....

Charity :)...I di dnot want you to hurt from my post just to understand why some people might react to the message...and it is to the message not to you personally..does that make sense....us sensitive ones that have been told we are not worthy are going to look at the message and think it is for us..because that is what we are used to......thats all..... then when we react the ones with the message say things back and then it got out of control...and lots of misundedrstanding of each others hearts.....

I so hope you understand...I tried to type this out and to share (and I do not tell anyone these things...well only my closest friends know so you must be one of them :)) well to share to you so you would not hurt but understand..... no one is mad at you or upset...not Sue either....

there could very well be someone lurking that needed a firm kick in the pants...God deals with us all in different ways....

I am sorry I took it personally also...it was that defensive mode i have been in all my life.....

please STOP crying...LOL..... wheere are your happy pics....no I understand my heart is breaking for others too and i am drained from crying out...but i am going to keep at it until we leave....

Joyful Susan,

I can't wait until the day you will never hurt again. I don't understand what has been going on and why some are upset.

I think Christians should be a little more loving and forgiving.

I hope the others like Lisa and Scott is ok too. People have different moods at different times and if one post goes off into different direction, then the serious person needs to go find a serious post. There is a time for everything. I never thought badly of any of you guys, I like to see the good in people and not pick them apart.

Please don't feel sad or anything just be happy

Sweet marie!!! I have been asking about you...I have seen busy bee some but missed your posts.....

I just saw you in the other thread started by Lynn...I posted in that one too and then when I hit send I forgot to say hi to you...and here you are..... I am so glad to see you....you need to post more...

and thank you for your encouragement....we need more of that around here...

ps I do not hurt over that stuff any more.... it in the past all is forgiven and I am a new creation in Christ Jesus...

Love you, sister Susan!

Great thread!

YSIC,
Chris N.

Susan - your honesty and humility shine through - we love you sis!!

Joyful dear Sis,

Oh how I love you Sis, I understand every little thing you just shared. We are very similar. The other day you wrote a reply to one of my posts, but it disappeared shortly afterwards (maybe a computer bug). But what you wrote in a few sentences, I worked out where you have travelled. I love you Sis.

It breaks my heart to know that you suffered. But look how far you have come. And he has been holding your hand in love ever since.

I know my sins, good and proper. I do not need to be reminded of them, for over the years I have been the harshest judge, not Jesus.

I remember once been found incoherent, Barbara found me. I hated myself so so much, that I took cigarettes and stubbed them down my right arms. When they were stubbed out, I re light them and attacked the same spots. Everyday I see my arm with approx 15 scars. I was so caught up in fear and trembling, hating myself for the sinful man I was. How very sad, the man I once was Susan. That is the result of fear and guilt in a sad soul.

But Jesus cried when I cried and then he picked me up, kissed me, gave me a name and lifted me much higher than I ever deserved to be. He knew my heart, my sadness and pain and most of all sin. But he loved me. And now I will never go back to the man I once was, I am free, free in his love.

People tell me here that I am an encourager. I do not do this for any other reason than to show the liberating love that comes in knowing him. We are sinners, I know my sin more than any other person, but he chooses to love me. And this slays me; it cuts me off at the knees at the foot of his cross in utter praise. And I want everyone to know that they are loved, special and most of all wanted. Our freedom in him brings peace and a life worth living.

I wish I could meet you all face to face, so I can explain in words and facial expressions and tears, what he has done. What release I have had. I will never go back there ever again. Jesus loves us, he truly does. I pray that no ones has to travel the roads that I have walked. But even when I did, he was there with me.

I just love him Susan, and in him there is no fear or trembling, just love.

Love you Sister, I am always here for you as your bro

ybiC/ Paul

Joyful Susan, you said last night on the "chat" that you thought we were alike - in age, and other things from what you had read about me.

Now reading what you so bravely posted above, I can tell you we are VERY alike in MANY ways. No wonder our spirits resonate with each other!

Glad to know you Susan and I look forward to us all soon being together!

JSusan ~ your message so touched my heart! Yes! There are some who, because of lifelong circumstances, have much of the time felt like outcasts!

We have found the One Person in our lives, Jesus, Who is the Restorer of our souls! In Him we have found refuge, life, wholeness, love and security in ways we never tho't possible. He is the lifter of our heads and the lover of our souls!

I posted "Balance" today, as my way to respond to the same things you and TSue, as well as I, have felt at different times on this re-occuring theme.

Thank your for putting into words something that needed saying, and that will hopefully bring renewed understanding.

My love to you!

Kolleen..

That was a wonderful post on balance..and yes you are right..I think many if not most of us here have gone through most of what JSusan has posted,some worse than others, but thank Jesus He has lifted my soul too and He will never leave me or forsake me..I, like so many here, cling to that old rugged cross..

YSIC

JS - haven't read all of the posts on this thread yet, just yours. I'm weeping - it was so beautifully expressed. Thank you for sharing this. I could identify with much of what you wrote.

Here is a song that has been on my heart all day...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?

Email: cidp@aol.com

Susan dear Sis,

I just have to say, I admire you for sharing your story with all your brothers and sisters.

That is a brave move, done in love

You have an honest and beautiful heart Sis

Sharing like this brings release people, I encourage everyone to do what our dear sister has done. It builds up the body, it shows the amazing power of our Lord in each of our lives.

Love ybiC / Paul

Thank you Sarah, bless you!

~~~~~~~~~~~

I am realizing something now concerning where some of us feel that our position in Christ is being constantly chisled away at by certain posts.....

Most all on Rita who post are saved, blood bought, born again children of God, and tho we always need encouragement to run the race, we do not need the heavy duty warning messages!

I think the problem lie's in that those who post these type messages, are not differentiating between Ritan's who are saved, blood bought, walking with God - and the lost - or those who have walked away from the Lord! So it FEELS like to some of us, that our walk is forever being questioned scrutinized and judged.

Maybe there should be a "Rita forum for the lost", as well, so that those kinds of messages could be directed to those who would need them there.

Just kidding! But I think it is becoming clear that these daily hell fire and ****ation messages and words are coming across to the already saved-walking-with-the-Lord Ritans, as targeting them, which in turn causes rifts division and defensiveness in response.

I think things would smooth out greatly if the one's who submit those type posts, would be responsible to somehow define what grouping of people their posts are intended for, for clarification and to do away with the constant feeling they are aimed at all Rita members.

Just a thought!

WOW Joyful Susan I FEEL your pain girl because I went thru a very similar life to yours. And I felt that way for about 40 years.
I constantly try to remember the verse that states God did not give us a spirit of fear but of power love and a sound mind.
God bless you dear sister.

Email: tparbar@gmail.com

I hear you Tom ~

I think alot has been uncovered today! And it has been hard, but good can come out of it.

Hoping for ears to hear and eyes to see from today forward.....

hello everyone :).. I am so glad Jesus used my post and life to bring everyone together.... I had this message when I woke up and I thought it fit so well..and obviously it did. I felt others had to be feeling this way too and were keeping silent and I was hoping everyone could feel free to open up...

it does make me sad that others have known this pain...

Paul ... my brother has burn marks that he did not put on himself.... when I heard about this I cried....Please do not ever hurt yourself again....you are too precious for that and you are loved.....if not by people you are by Jesus....

Diane see what I am saying ...lol

Wendy I am sorry you are still going through things....some of what I said was not when I was a little girl btw...the rocking chair thing happened when I was an adult.....but emotionally I was still a child....

The most important thing is that every thing and all the evil that was ever brought against me while little or an adult is under the blood now.... it no longer tourments me.... I am free from it....and I have forgiven....and I am not the same person any more...you can tell because I need to paint my toenails right now...lol now that is freedom being able to wear flipflops and needing a pedicure....and i know who I am in Christ Jesus...

Thank you for encouraging me abideinhim EJ and little anne.... I really hope this helps set others free....

and Kolleen, and tom.... I appreciate your wisdom and especially your boldness.....and kolleen you gentle wisdom....

Sarah I am glad you understood what this is all about :) and you nailed it.....

Peggy I hope your sorrow soon turns to joy.....I am going to view your youtube now.... thank you so much...

youre the oldest!! No I understand even better..You were the leader too... just like you still are.

thank you sue..and I am so ready to be out of here too....how was the weather where you are? We had a bit of a mess today..... lots of wind and rain.....but it nice and cool which I love....my electucal problem in my car has caused my AC to not blow cold air....so it has been steamy lately....

sounds like fun Wendy!!!! but why no pillow fights? if they break open the angels can sweep it up.. and it will not hurt to be hit by one..... maybe it will tickle...

and ps...do not admire me..admire the One who set me free..He gets all the glory .....thank You Jesus for all You have done for me...and Help Wendy and give her peace.... wrap Your arms around her and fill her with You joy.... speak to her and tell her how special she is to You and bless her abundantly .....

You brought me to tears when I read your post JS because I can so totally relate to most of what you said.

I think most of us here are all kindred spirits and that is why this site is so special to all of us here!!!

Because mostly everyone here has been hurt in their past in some way and found Jesus to get through it!!!

I think we all need to do what this song says

"RETURN TO INNOCENCE"



Such a beautiful song!!!The words and pictures are absolutely beautiful too!!!

Hope you are Blessed by this!!

My Gift to all you Kindred Spirits!!

Love ya

AngelHeart

Website: www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=667676418&ref=profile

Susan dear Sis,

Please do not worry, sorry to cause alarm. I am not that person anymore. I am free in Christ dear sis, no more chains. And that is where I plan to stay.

Love ybiC / Paul